36 weeks, panic sets in.

Yesterday on my way home from work I started to think about everything I needed to get done.

Stop at the store for dinner, drive home. Put away the clean dishes. Wash dirty dishes. Empty Chris' lunchbox. Take the clean clothes out of the dryer, start a new load. Peel the shrimp, cut up the vegetables, cook dinner. Take a shower. Dry the new load of laundry. Wash dinner dishes.

This then led to me starting to think about everything I need to get done in the next few weeks.

Buy a pack n play. Buy nursing bras. Buy bottles. Buy an extra car seat base. Install car seat in my car. Finish packing hospital bag. Hang curtains in Emily's room. Buy a garbage can for diapers. Figure out where to store diapers. Shelves? A table? Get a baby book. Cook meals to freeze. Mop the floors. Clean the window sills. Clean the bathroom. Vaccum Emily's room. Clean the baseboards. Sweep the front porch. Finish editing wedding photos. Make wedding announcements. Order maternity photos. I haven't even looked at them all yet.

My brain was seriously out of control. I started to think that I needed to do all of this NOW. What if Emily shows up tomorrow? Some people call this the nesting instinct, but it felt more like sheer panic. I started to feel really overwhelmed and freaked out. I got home and didn't even say hello to Chris, I just started cleaning. He got up to help me, gave me a hug and I started crying. I started to think that I wasn't ready for a baby. If I can't keep the house in order when she's not here, how am I going to do it when she is?

Is this normal? Does every mother think like this at some point? Chris assured me that we would be fine. All of the things that I need to get for Emily aren't things we really need. We can change her on the floor if we don't have a changing table. But I don't want to change her on the floor. I want a table. I need a table. I continued to panic.

Chris made me sit down, but I couldn't relax. I started on dinner. He cleaned the windows and mopped the floors. He said he didn't want me to be upset, so he was fixing the problem. He told me that people have babies every day, and most people have no idea what they're doing at first. He said you learn as you go and no one expects you to be the perfect parent. I believed him, but by this point I was so upset I couldn't really think straight.

By the time I finished dinner, my back hurt so bad. I felt like I was going to be sick and I couldn't really eat. I felt better emotionally, but not so great physically. I was actually jealous that Chris was able to clean, sweep and mop so quickly and efficiently. I wish I could do everything, but my body won't let me. It's such a frustrating feeling. I'm so appreciative of his help, but I still feel like I should be doing it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy and blessed to be pregnant. It's just a lot different than what I expected. Now that it's almost over, I'm realizing that it's just going to get harder. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm scared and nervous.

My massage experience

I was really hoping it would be more relaxing. I'm going back next month, but I'm going to have to request a different therapist. Kristen has one that she loves at that same location so I know I'll be in good hands next time. Here's what happened.

As soon as I walked in the room, my MT informed me that I couldn't have found someone with more prenatal experience. She has been taking classes for 8 years, and just finished a 5 day refresher workshop last month. Good! I like to hear this.

She explains the millions of bolsters and pillows on the table and asks a few questions (the lady at the front desk already asked them so I told her it was all written down). I said I'm pregnant, I'm tired but I can't sleep, and everything hurts. She left so I could get on the table.

She came back in, made sure I was comfortable, and asked a few more questions while she got started. At first it was okay. She asked about my commute because my paper said that I drive 2 hours every day. I told her I live in Blanco and drive to San Antonio. She asked a couple of questions about that. I told her I wanted to come back to Austin. I didn't really want to talk, but she kept the conversation going and I felt like I had to keep talking to her. She told me where she lived. Good to know? We discussed the roads in her neighborhood, they're horrible.

The conversation finally stopped so I started to relax. She got to my back and poked at my tattoo. "Cute! Cute, cute, cute. We're not allowed to comment on tattoos here. We can't even say nice things about tattoos, blah blah blah, haha." Okay, well then don't do it, lady.

She got to my feet and asked if I get pedicures. I told her I just got one yesterday, thanks. She told me she knew a place that used prego safe products for their pedicures. I said yeah, there's a pregnancy spa on Brodie that I thought about going to but their prices are a little too high. She whispers "that's where I work." I thought you worked here? I then felt bad for commenting on the prices and once again was NOT relaxed. I tried to explain, I don't know why. I don't even know why I was talking. Why couldn't she just let me relax? I said, well I guess the place sounds more luxurious and she laughs and says "I wouldn't call it luxurious. It's just the products that we use."

Okay bitch, listen. I'm trying to be nice. I don't know why. You're just supposed to give me my massage so I can sleep tonight, but instead you're making me feel stupid.

I said, well I'm not going to pay prices that high for a place that doesn't have a reputation yet. For all I know they're charging that much just because it says "pregnancy" on the door and they know people will pay. "Oh, they do have a reputation..." I block out the rest of what she's saying and try to relax. It has something to do with the economy and the lady that owns the place and more about prices and organic whatevers.

She asks if I've heard of Watsu massage. I haven't, but I say I have, hoping she'll stop talking. She said "oh really?" I said yeah I used to work at a Massage Therapy school so I'm familiar with some of the terms. "What school?" Lauterstein Conway. "Oh. I'm NOT a graduate of Lauterstein." That's too bad, lady. "I didn't want to be!" Ugh. I ignore her.

I don't know what she's talking about but she eventually starts talking about money. She asks me how much I'm paying today. She shouldn't be asking me that, don't tell her. I tell her. I can't help it, I didn't know what to do and I'm feeling uncomfortable. She talks more, and THEN- she makes a comment about tips. She is complaining that some people don't know how to tip, "and then they only leave ten dollars- oh, I'm sorry honey, I didn't mean to embarrass you."

I was planning on leaving ten dollars. Should I leave more? I thought that was okay. Should I leave less because she had the nerve to even say that?

She then says something about how $20 is more reasonable. WTF.

By this point I can see the clock and the massage is almost over. I find myself wishing I could have enjoyed the past 45 minutes instead of stressing out about how to make the situation more comfortable. Her technique was great, it could have been a really great massage, but she was so inappropriate!

As I left, she handed me a card with her hours on it. You know, so I could request her next time. Yeah right.

Oh, I left her $15. That's right, I was guilted into leaving her a bigger tip. I'm ashamed.

Wedding Plans

To all of you women who have had normal weddings:

How did you do it?

My tiny little wedding has stressed me out beyond belief, and my mom has done everything she can to take the stress off it me. Is it because I'm pregnant? Is it because I'm already high strung as it is? I was worried about who was coming, more worried about who couldn't come, worried about pleasing everyone to the point that I didn't even want a wedding anymore.

[I mention being high strung because apparently the men in my life seem to believe this. Yes, father and Chris, I'm talking about you. Don't think I am unaware of your telephone chats. Yes, it's weird. Yes, it's unnerving that my fiance and father get along so well and talk about me when I'm in the other room. I prefer this over you not getting along, but sometimes I wonder what you talk about when I'm not listening!]

However, after meeting with the pastor last night, I feel 100% better about everything. Talking to him really put everything into perspective. We're getting married. That's the important part. Like my mom said, our families are coming together to celebrate our marriage. I can't really stress out about spending the rest of my life with the man I love.

The meeting with the pastor was interesting, but helpful. He asked us why we were in such a hurry. Chris kind of gestured towards my belly. Thanks, hon. The pastor said "well, why now? Why not 3 months ago?"

Yeah, why not 3 months ago?

Chris said he wanted to save up for the ring. Honestly, I didn't even want a ring. Not that I don't absolutely love the ring he got me. It's sparkly and beautiful and perfect. Okay, maybe I wanted a ring but I didn't absolutely need a ring. But I respect him for wanting to do things 'right.' And the ring is nice too.

We told the pastor we've been talking about marriage for quite a while. He said, "you've been doing more than talking!" Well, yes. Thanks for pointing that out.

He asked if we were living together. Yes. He just shook his head. For a minute I was kind of afraid that he was going to tell us he couldn't marry us because we were living in sin. Fortunately, he's not that kind of pastor. He said he wasn't judging us or criticizing us, just trying to get a complete picture of our relationship.

He asked Chris if he was ready to marry me. He asked him like 5 times. Does he think I'm not marriage material? Come on now! I thought he'd ask me if I was ready. No, he asked "do you think Chris is ready?" Poor Chris. I told him absolutely, without a doubt. We don't want to get married again someday, this is a forever decision and we know that. I don't want Chris around just because I think Emily needs a father. I want Chris around because I love him. We may have done things a little backwards, but I'm happy with the final result. I think we have a pretty awesome little family.

In other fun wedding news, I got my dress! I went shopping with my mom and sister last weekend and found a super cute black and white strapless dress at A Pea in the Pod. I also found shoes and jewelry and made an appointment to get my hair done Saturday morning. All I need is a pedicure tomorrow or Friday and I'll be ready! My mom ordered the cake, which is going to be delicious. Chris wasn't too excited about a cake at first (it was a simple wedding, remember?) but after I told him about it he changed his mind.

Is it bad that I'm almost as excited about the cake as I am about the rest of the wedding?

Mom is picking out flowers tomorrow and she is personally putting the bouquet and centerpieces together tomorrow night with a friend. It's going to be beautiful!

Most importantly, we got our license on Monday so the whole thing is legal. The marriage license is all sorts of official looking.

I'll be Jessica Tyre in three days! Three days!!

29 weeks, glucose test

I had my glucose test this week. I was scared. Last time they drew blood I passed out, so I feel like I'm a little justified in being scared. I had to fast for 8 hours so I scheduled my appointment at 8am so I just skipped breakfast instead of starving myself all day. Chris wasn't sure if he'd be able to get out of work to come with me and that made me even more scared.

Yeah, I'll be giving birth to a baby soon and I'm afraid of having some blood drawn. Awesome.

He called when I was driving to the doctor and said he'd be there a little late. Whatever, he'll be there, I was happy. I asked if his boss gave him a hard time- apparently he said "she's a bigger wuss than my wife!" Wow, thanks a lot a-hole. I was already so upset about the appointment that I just started crying. Ugh.

I finally got to see the nurse around 8:40 and Chris came in with me. I thought I'd drink my gross orange drink, wait an hour, then give up my veins. They had some confusion with my paperwork, left the room, said they needed to call someone because I wasn't their patient... this just made me more upset. They said they had to take blood before AND after the drink. Cool. I managed to get through it just feeling a little lightheaded. The drink was okay at first and pretty disgusting towards the end.

My doctor's assistant stopped by and said she was ready to see me so we went back to her office. She saw the bandaid on my arm, asked why they poked me already and then told me they shouldn't have done that. Great. She said I felt clammy then asked if I was going to cry. I told her no, but I thought I might just because I didn't know why everyone was so confused about what they were doing with my blood. Totally not a big deal but I was tired, hungry, and thirsty.

Part of the fasting was no water, which sucks when they ask you to pee in a cup when you arrive. I said sorry, I've got none, maybe after the test.

She said everything looked good, confirmed that the pains I've been having about once a day are contractions and told me to call if I had them 5 times within an hour. Can we talk about these contractions? Sharp pain wrapping around my poor little baby that would literally bring me to my knees if I happened to be standing when they hit. Luckily I've been laying down or sitting when I get them. Labor is going to be fun! Yay!

The doctor went and scolded the nurse for poking me before my glucose test.

Back in the waiting room, Chris said he had to leave because his boss needed him back at work and he didn't know we'd be there this long. I started crying AGAIN. What is my problem? He felt bad but had to go and I wasn't really that upset, I felt like a little kid on her first day of school. I didn't want him to leave.

I calmed down and went back inside, read a book for a while and was a very brave girl when I went back in to let them take my blood again. I did NOT pass out, I only felt a little dizzy if I was standing for too long afterwards.

I decided I needed to eat. Let me rephrase that, I decided I needed to eat chinese food, and I needed it now. I drove a mile down the road to a chinese place to find that it was closed for another 30 minutes. No good, I have to get back to work. Then I remembered that there is a chinese place right next door to my doctor, so I drove back that way, and they were closed! Damn it! Surprisingly, I didn't cry. I got some nuggets at Wendy's and started driving to SA.

About halfway to Blanco I started feeling sick. Not going to throw up sick, but going to pass out sick. I stopped at the house, called my boss and told her I couldn't make the drive. Thank goodness she understood. I climbed into bed and didn't get out until Chris called 3 hours later.

Interesting day. I felt a lot better the next day, and my week got exponentially better. More on that in my next blog.

Oh, did I mention that I have a HUGE bruise on my arm now? Thanks a lot, confused nurse. Now I look like a drug addict mother. Oh, I finally managed to pee in a cup before I left. Guess what? The cup had a hole in the bottom! Funny joke, guys! I got to clean pee off of the seat and floor while desperately trying to reach for another cup to put my faulty cup in. That just wasn't my day.