Yesterday on my way home from work I started to think about everything I needed to get done.
Stop at the store for dinner, drive home. Put away the clean dishes. Wash dirty dishes. Empty Chris' lunchbox. Take the clean clothes out of the dryer, start a new load. Peel the shrimp, cut up the vegetables, cook dinner. Take a shower. Dry the new load of laundry. Wash dinner dishes.
This then led to me starting to think about everything I need to get done in the next few weeks.
Buy a pack n play. Buy nursing bras. Buy bottles. Buy an extra car seat base. Install car seat in my car. Finish packing hospital bag. Hang curtains in Emily's room. Buy a garbage can for diapers. Figure out where to store diapers. Shelves? A table? Get a baby book. Cook meals to freeze. Mop the floors. Clean the window sills. Clean the bathroom. Vaccum Emily's room. Clean the baseboards. Sweep the front porch. Finish editing wedding photos. Make wedding announcements. Order maternity photos. I haven't even looked at them all yet.
My brain was seriously out of control. I started to think that I needed to do all of this NOW. What if Emily shows up tomorrow? Some people call this the nesting instinct, but it felt more like sheer panic. I started to feel really overwhelmed and freaked out. I got home and didn't even say hello to Chris, I just started cleaning. He got up to help me, gave me a hug and I started crying. I started to think that I wasn't ready for a baby. If I can't keep the house in order when she's not here, how am I going to do it when she is?
Is this normal? Does every mother think like this at some point? Chris assured me that we would be fine. All of the things that I need to get for Emily aren't things we really need. We can change her on the floor if we don't have a changing table. But I don't want to change her on the floor. I want a table. I need a table. I continued to panic.
Chris made me sit down, but I couldn't relax. I started on dinner. He cleaned the windows and mopped the floors. He said he didn't want me to be upset, so he was fixing the problem. He told me that people have babies every day, and most people have no idea what they're doing at first. He said you learn as you go and no one expects you to be the perfect parent. I believed him, but by this point I was so upset I couldn't really think straight.
By the time I finished dinner, my back hurt so bad. I felt like I was going to be sick and I couldn't really eat. I felt better emotionally, but not so great physically. I was actually jealous that Chris was able to clean, sweep and mop so quickly and efficiently. I wish I could do everything, but my body won't let me. It's such a frustrating feeling. I'm so appreciative of his help, but I still feel like I should be doing it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy and blessed to be pregnant. It's just a lot different than what I expected. Now that it's almost over, I'm realizing that it's just going to get harder. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm scared and nervous.
Totally normal to freak out. But I just have to say in my experience, it's a waste of time to figure out how everything is going to be, and how you're going to do everything once she comes, because whatever you figure out will change once you get down to it. You'll get into a routine with what you're comfortable with, like where you feed her, where you change her, where she sleeps, etc. But seriously there's no way to know what that's going to be until you're doing it. Don't stress, there's no point. Expecting yourself to be super mommy right off the bat is putting too much pressure on yourself. Just focus on one task at a time to save your sanity. Sounds like Chris is a huge help and a great partner, you guys are going to do great!
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