Today marks the day that I've completed 25% of my pregnancy! Hooray! Now, why can't I be happier about this?
For the past couple of weeks I've just been bummed, and I can't always explain it. I feel fat. I know that gaining weight is a part of pregnancy, but I feel constantly judged by everyone around me. This morning, I told Chris that I officially can't button any of my jeans when I sit down because of my gut. He said it's because my butt is getting bigger. Am I just being sensitive, or was there no reason for that? I said no, it's because of my gut. He says, it is your butt, it's storing things for the baby. Um, no, that's not how it works. The baby is up front, and I told him thank you for ruining my day and making me feel like a fatass.
I started to feel better (and hungry) when I was driving to work, so I stopped at the grocery store to get breakfast and some snacks. Well, I came out with poptarts, rice krispy treats, beef jerky, peach rings and lean pockets. I made a comment on fb about how I'm glad I got the lean kind, otherwise I'd feel guilty. I got a comment (from a pregnant friend) saying yeah, because that's how nutrition works. The bad part is I know she wasn't making fun of me, she was playing along (come on, Jess, she's pregnant, she understands) but I got so upset that I deleted the entire post and stopped eating my poptart. I actually considered throwing everything away and going out to buy carrots and salad, but I just can't stomach rabbit food these days.
I'm moody, constantly arguing with Chris, and even when I start the argument I expect him to understand that I'm pregnant and hormonal and to try to comfort me instead of making me feel like I'm crazy. Is that unrealistic? He always comes around pretty quickly, but in the moments of arguing I feel my worst. I can see how ridiculous I look crying over nothing (like when we had to leave Target because I got so overwhelmed by baby furniture I couldn't hold myself together!) but I can't stop! I tell him constantly not to take it personally, but I feel like he takes offense every time I get upset with him. Poor guy, I'm sure I'm stressing him out.
Still, throughout all of this I never ever doubt how much I want this baby, and how genuinely happy I am every time I think about holding my little one. I have a human being growing inside of me. What do I have to be upset about? All I can say is I hope the second trimester gives me a small break from the hormonal outbursts, because I'm ready for everyone to see how excited I am!
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry that I upset you the other day about the lean pockets! I had no idea. :( I thought you were making a joke about it in your post, but I misunderstood. What I really wanted to say was eat whatever your crave, but instead I was all sarcastic. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI struggled with my hormones too, and I still do, so I know exactly how you feel. The first two trimesters can be especially rough hormonally. There were weeks when I didn't want to get out of bed and spent whole days crying over nothing. I does get better, I promise! I found that taking long walks by myself helped to keep the hormones a little more manageable and kept me from going totally crazy.
Love you! I feel so bad for making you upset. You are not crazy, and you are not alone.
-Jen O
You didn't do anything wrong! I totally got the sarcasm (which I generally enjoy), but I was already in a crappy mood and was being sensitive. Don't feel like you need to apologize, I felt stupid about it afterward but felt like I should write about it anyway. To warn future preggos that it's not all sunshine and rainbows, haha.
ReplyDeleteI need to start walking again, I've just been so tired it's the LAST thing on my mind. I'm trying to get out more on the weekends- the Zilker Kite Festival is on Sunday! I think a little sunshine will help. :)
Thanks for the advice, and really, don't worry about it. I kind of feel bad that I even wrote about it! You're wonderful, and I can't WAIT to see pictures of your little girl!
I don't mind that you wrote about it, it's definitely part of your experience!
ReplyDeleteNow that you're getting into your 2nd trimester you should be feeling more energetic soon. The first tri was the WORST. I felt like my body was made of cement. Bleh.
I just came across your blog. I'm due late September and I feel better after reading this post! :)
ReplyDeleteThere was a day that I couldn't stop crying (mostly for no reason, but I had spent the past 20 minutes trying to help my husband get his truck out of the icy snow), so I had to stay home from work! I couldn't even call in myself, he had to call for me.
I had similar bad moods and took things too personally (I think I'm getting better about it now, though). My husband didn't know how to take things at first because I think his feelings were getting hurt by me and so he'd unintentionally say something "mean" or insensitive. At one point I told him that anything he does or says to me, he is actually doing or saying first to a tiny, helpless and defenseless little baby. I had to repeat this little visual a few times, but then I think he got it. :) But, I think that's seriously a good way to think about it!! Almost as if the baby is getting the brunt of things before I am and that's what it's so emotional and difficult at times. Maybe it's weird....
Anyway, thanks!